buoyantdreams: (Default)
I talked with a co-worker and she said that when she uses her Ultram she adds ibuprofen or Aleve to it and that works. I tried it and it does! I am so happy. :) Funny how things can have a synergistic effect. It lasted me 8 hours though and that was at work where I'm on my feet a lot! The Lyrica is also working and I have less pain. I'm also a little more energized. I find i haven't been as tired at work all night as I usually am.



I had two really sweet little old ladies. One was 94 and going strong and one was 86. They were so wonderfully thankful for their care. They said we were taking good care of them. They both talked to me a lot and told me about their lives and their family. One wanted to hold my hand a lot because it made her feel better. The other almost cried when I told her I had to leave this morning and I wouldn't see her again. :( I really bonded with both those patients and it's hard to leave work knowing I won't ever see them again...

I was reading a book to Aaron called Bugs for Lunch before bed and he looks at this praying mantis and says 'that looks like a Grandma'. All I can think is that it's because the mantis was facing forward and had wrinkles on it's face around it's mouth. But I have to admit I laughed my ass off. Kids come up with the funniest shit.

I have to get new pics of the house again if anyone wants to see! The living room is totally different now that we've got the enertainment system and the really cool book shelf. It just feels so cozy in here and so much like home.

I am so damn torn about what to do about work. If a dayshift position comes up Jim wants me to take it and all the gals that left nights to go to days say they feel awesome and want me to come to days. But on the otherhand I love my nightshift co-workers and there would be a full-time Charge Nurse position coming open and they want me to apply for it and hopefully get it over another nurse who does charge, but does it crappy (according to them; I am never working when she's charge).

Actually, I feel pretty damn good about being wanted on both fronts, lol. I've always had a fear that people don't like me and they are going to see beyond me and find out I'm worthless of friendship. I know it's silly. I guess it's just left-over from the horror that was high-school and having ever popular kid pick on me. And my mom made me feel like I had to do stuff for people in order for them to like me or be nice to me.

I wish I could shake all this shit from the past. I know it's part of what made me who I am. It's taught me to fight for what I want, to be kind to people, to be open-minded and loving. Basically everything that my mom and most of the people around me weren't. But I still fight depression and anxiety, especially in social situations and when work gets super rough.

I want to be able to cope on my own, dammit.

I guess I'm a little angry about stuff tonight. I realize that other people have had it far worse than me and maybe my stuff is minor in comparison. But I can't speak for them. I can only speak for what I've been through. I don't go over it like I used to and find depression, rage, or sadness. I am through it for myself, it's just that it's all programmed into my brain and it's going to take years to make new pathways for my mind to travel.

It's like a well-worn path that no one wants to give up because the other path is rougher and requires more effort.

I try though. Honestly, all I want to do is be a good person. To do well by others and myself. I want to be the best wife I can, the best mom I can, the best nurse I can. I try to work as hard as possible and do all that I can. I'd like to think I'm pretty empathetic and that I'm good at anticipating the patient's needs. Most of all even if I don't have the time I listen. Sometimes that's all they want. I can get behind on my work because of it, but I have found it honestly is the most important part of care over all else. I don't always know what to say in reply, but sometimes I guess a reply isn't needed.

One of our nurse's sat with a patient and held her hand while the doctor told her she had cancer. It was so sweet of her because the patient's family wasn't there to comfort her. This nurse has such a big heart, such wisdom and knowledge, I want to be like her. That patient sent her a card and flowers. :) You can tell it touched her so much to get that; it makes the job worth it, it makes you believe in why you do it.

Sometimes I get angry that I have Fibromyalgia, mostly when the pain gets bad and the fatigue gets me. But then I see a patient with an autoimmune arthritis or other disease and I realize how lucky I am to only have Fibromyalgia. It humbles me and makes me take a step back and feel lucky for what I do have.

I try to be a what you see is what you get person. I've become a lot more open, a lot more direct. I've gone up to people and asked them if there was a problem they had with me and that if so, please let me know so I can not do it again. Why not? What does it hurt to be completely direct. It makes communication so much easier. Shying away from things is something I fight so hard to do now. I make myself do things that cause anxiety so that I can get past the phobias.

Aaron is so tired. He fell asleep so easily tonight. I think of him in there lying in bed sleeping and I just get this lovely warm, peaceful feeling. One of my co-worker's daughter just gave up her kids to her sister. They were 2 and 4. I feel so bad for the upheaval these poor children had to endure. She's moved them all over the place, left them with her boyfriend's mom for a while, then came and uprooted them again and finally decided she couldn't handle them.

What mom can give up their kids like that? I think of Aaron and it just is so unimaginable. I could never give him up so I can go live some crazy, free like to party and drink and probably do drugs. Maybe she had the kids too young and didn't get to do all the things she wanted, but so what. Once you have kids your responsibility is to them. You make sacrafices as a parent and it sucks sometimes, but you have to do it. Your kids deserve it.

You is a general term, BTW. It's not directed at anyone. :)

And randomly, I am a huuuge One Republic fan. I just love their songs. Every one they've released.

Damn. I've rambled waaaay too long. I'll stop now. Night Flist!
buoyantdreams: (Default)
I had a crappy night right before bed. I sat wrong on the floor and my body was mad at me. My shoulder felt like I had pulled a muscle, both hips hurt, my low back was mad, and my legs would NOT stop aching. Ultram wasn't much help. I don't mean to talk about this all the time but it's really starting to hit home that I need to modify some things I do. And it kinda gets me down. Plus, hurting sucks.

Also, I ruined a pair of my favorite pants by getting bleach all over the back of them in a ring. Those are really the only pair that fit my fat ass.

The barbacue last night was fun. I'm so socially akward in person though that I hardly talked to anyone. Jim and I pretty much kept to ourselves, but we did chat up one of the teachers and the director. I seriously wish I could get past this. I thought I was a little better, but when it comes to a large group of strangers I just feel overwhelmed and lost.

I'm going to meet my coach for Medifast today and though she sounds nice, I'm still so nervous to sit down and talk with her. I actually had to take a xanax for the anxiety. And now it's making me sleepy. Whoops.
buoyantdreams: (Default)
I went to my doctor's appoinment today with my general doc. He doesn't think my thyroid is out of wack because I've only got a few bald patches and not over-all hair loss. He's not sure exactly what it is but apparently I've got a rash on my scalp too. I knew I had a dry scalp. I didn't realize it was red too. So maybe that's causing it.

After talking with him, he pretty much believes I have Fibromyalgia and that the pain in my legs likely isn't caused by thyroid stuff. He is checking my labs for it though and a few others to rule out anemia. And my cholesterol because I'm curious if it's gone down since I started exercising!

He started me on Lyrica twice a day for pain and then Ultram in-between if I need it. So we shall see how these help! Then on the 17th of September I'll see my new rheumatologist in Vancouver.

In the mean time, I feel a lot better because he listened to me! He spent 45 minutes with us, and also talked with me about a diet to try because I mentioned I want to lose weight and can't seem to.

Sad part is, he's retiring in three months. :( He really is an awesome GP.

So I'm going to try Medifast! His wife will be my coach and though it's expensive ($299 for a months supply of food) a lot of my co-workers are on this diet and they have ALL lost weight on it. So I'm giving it a one month trial along with exercise to see how it goes for me.

All in all, I feel better about my health and I'm excited to try this diet.
buoyantdreams: (Default)
I am so tired and irritable. Everying is grating on my nerves right now. I'm at work and I just wish I was in bed. Grumpgrumpgrump.

I also want to eat a lot. A lot of stuff that's bad for me which I think stems from being tired and currently bored. Not that I want too much excitement when it comes to work because that generally means someone is going crazy or dying.

I don't mind people helping me out or giving me advice at work. We all work together in a team and help each other. But we know when there is a boundary that you don't cross unless asked. A gal is coming back to work who does not understand that boundary. She gets on my nerves; yes she is smart, but you just don't butt in where your help isn't asked for or needed. Especially if you aren't in charge.

I really am grumpy, jeez.

I need to get up and walk around. Maybe go downstairs and stand out in front of the ED in the air for a while.

Hmm...

Aug. 23rd, 2010 01:34 am
buoyantdreams: (Default)
I'm a little off today. Tired and just feeling blah. I am taking things way too seriously when they aren't meant that way and it spikes my anxiety. I'm a little up and down with the moods too. I just hate even the slightest twinge in this direction because I had a really bad time a few months back and I honestly don't think I could do that again.

My patient just informed me that voices were coming from the IV pump. Hmm. I think we have a problem here.

I am going to do random prompts here because I seriously have nothing exciting to say. I slept all day and now I'm at work, lol.

Did you have a favorite TV or radio program as a child? Tell about it.

I had so many, but the one that really stuck out for me was She-Ra. I loved watching that cartoon and I wanted the She-Ra dolls really badly. I think my grandparents bought me one. It was the ice queen or something or other. I remember thinking she was so beautiful.

I am trying one day at a time. Honestly, things are so much less overwhelming if I just deal with them in the present as much as possible. I can't change the past. I can't predict the future. I can only make the now the best now I possibly can. Doesn't mean I won't fail, because I often do fail and get lazy, or become ungrateful, or grouchy.

I am getting so excited about the trip to Vegas with the girls from work. We just booked our plane tickets and hotel rooms last night. We are so going to have a blast. I bought a jacket that is smaller than I am now with the hope I will be able to wear it come the end of October. I am exercising like a fiend. No weight loss yet but I am slightly smaller. I just feel like it's so slow. Honestly, I hope it is my thyroid because that would be an easy fix for losing hair and non-budging weight and more tired than usual and the leg pains.

I can hardly wait until my doctor's appointment on the 25th so I can just get it checked.

Another prompt. I regret... All of the time wasted feeling worthless and down on myself. I can't seem to help it, but so many years I feel were wasted that could have been used better. :/ Not that I didn't have help getting there from my mom... But then again, I guess somehow it has made me who I am today and I like me more and more as time goes on.

Must go get lunch.
buoyantdreams: (jen icon by ishte (LJ))
When I actually graduated from high school I wanted to be a secretary. I loved answering phones and filing and all that. I even took some classes to be a medical secretary. Somehow, I decided istead that I would go into nursing and here I am. I still like putting in doctor's orders so sometimes I get to do secretary stuff. Sometimes I think it would be somewhat less stressful, lol.

I have an addiction. It is Pop Chips. Specifically the salt and vinegar kind. I love that you can eat a whole bag and it's only 360 calories. I could definitely make those a meal. I suppose it's not super duper healthy, but they do taste good and it's better than eating the other junk I love.

I am really looking forward to bed. But I am going to get up early and exercise. And watch Veronica Mars while I do it. I don't think I will ever turn away from the elliptical. It is my friend. It is helping me shape up and it gives me TV time.

Holy crap I am braindead. I could post more but I can't seem to think of anything. I think tomorrow I will post a short story I wrote. It's original fiction. I submitted it to be published but, alas, it was rejected. I still kinda like it though.

Seriously though, I just want to get any kind of writing in. I haven't written for... well, a couple months.
buoyantdreams: (Default)
My first entry!

I'll start by introducing myself a little more so if anyone stumbles across this it'll help you decide whether you want to add me or not!

My name is Jennifer (I usually go by Jen) and I'm 32. I'll be 33 in November. I am married to Jim and have a 4 year old son named Aaron. We just bought our first home in June out in the country next to a creek and we love it. We adopted a dog after that from the pound, a 2 year old black lab we named Jethro.

I live in Washington, and we haven't had much of a summer this year! I love the Pacific Northwest, it's so beautiful here. We go camping in the summer and we have some really beautiful campgrounds.

I am a nurse. I work at the local hospital on the medical-surgical floor. I love my job. I love people and I'm fascinated by the medical portion of it. It's so crazy and complicated. I work 12 hour night shifts, and am hoping someday to go to dayshift. I don't mind the nights, but it is hard to get rearranged to a day schedule on my days off and you get pretty tired! I've been a nurse for 7 years now, 8 come October. It's so strange to think that it's been that long.

I am a little shy and socially awkward in person. I try to get over it and be open and up front though. I used to be a lot more inwardly focused and afraid to speak up, but I try to just be honest and realize that directly communicating with people works so much better as long as you let them do the same and you aren't rude, lol.

I am 5'2" and weigh more than I should. I'm working on that (aren't we all though!). I am an actual dishwater blonde but I dye my hair red with blonde streaks. It's much more fun.

I am just looking to make friends and enjoy time spent on here. I hope I can get creative and post some writings too.

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September 2010

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